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Deputy Prime Minister of Australia, "The tiger doesn't change his spots."
(Question time 6/3/00)
SBS's prize-winning news reader, "Australia's oldest citizen has just died at
the grand old age of 901."
(news item 5/10) "Former Prime Minister of Australia Keating's
appearances on talkback radio ..."
BBC British Open Golf announcer says of one player, "Two birdies and two
bogies, a very consistent golfer."
ABC female announcer at Australia/Pakistan test match, "[Cricketer] caught leg
before wicket."
Rex Williams, TV snooker commentator, "Both players can still win this match."
SBS Rugby spokesman, emphatically, "The facts are definitely not true."
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An unfortunate grammatical error, like an incurable pandemic, has insidiously crept into our language. It is the popular usage of "I" instead of "me" after the verb. Here are examples of the "I" error heard during Test cricket matches:
WACA: ABC, 3rd test, 4th day:
An SMS has come in. I think it is for Jim and I.
TV cricket commentator, just before 4th test:
The gentleman who has come up to join Richie and I .....
4th test: Henry Blowfield on radio:
If that was you or I batting out there .....
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AAAAA Air - In-flight Safety Instructions
If the plane ditches into the sea, it might be necessary to re-inflate one's
life jacket:
'To inflate, MANUALLY blow into the tubes.'
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To err is human, to herr, German.
To err is human, to purr, feline.
Tongue-twister: Stick sheaves in a stook stack shock stock.
| stick: | put, place, stand | |
| sheaves: | bundles of grain bound with straw or twine | |
| stook: | sheaves stacked in a circular or rounded arrangement in a field | |
| shock: | twelve such stooks | |
| stock: | the store of harvested grain |
I know I'm a geek because when I use a German keyboard I never accidently
transpose
the Y and Z and also I know exactly where the missing @ is hiding and know how
to
access it without having to join the queue of emailers asking the German geek
for help.
Well-known joke: The dyslexic agnostic wondered if there really was a dog.
My addition: But whose favourite book of the Bible was The Cats of the Apostles.
Voltaire: I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend
to the death your right to say it.
Glind: I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to your
death the right to say it.
Some who think they need a CAT Scan really need a SCAT can.
Request for signature on a document: Sign the name on your bottom.
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"W" in English it is pronounced as though it is uu whereas in French as though it is vv.
I'm curious as to how one spells aloud the word 'vacuum'.
Do you say "v a c u u m" or do you say "v a c double u m"?
Would a student incur an error if he/she spelt it "v a c double u m" but the teacher mistook it for "v a c w m"?
Given the pronunciation of vacuum, some might assume that it does not have a "c" but has a "q". In this case (given that "q' is always superseded by "u") its spelling would seem to be "v a q u u u m".
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acupunture:
a pointed witticism to needle someone.
ambisextrous:
bisexual.
consterpation:
a confused mental state induced by the dread, dismay or even amazement that
something is not working as expected.
discusted:
nauseated by a dessert that turns one's stomach.
euphoreal:
questionable feeling of elation.
impossibabble:
nonsensical talk we have to suffer at times.
impossibubble:
similar to the above but where things get blown out of all proportion.
acronymonious:
describes the terse, bitter response to a PITA
oinkment:
an unction found in a frying pan after cooking bacon rashers used as a folk remedy
for soothing achin' rashes.
thunderpants:
soundproof knickers.
quuck:
the sound uttered by the offspring of a duck and a chook when it tries to swim, but can't.
rongitute:
location of shipwrecks east or west of Greenwich.
scrimptious:
describes the delectable-tasting but unfortunately exceedingly tiny servings
one dines upon in a fancy restaurant
sexcuse:
a headache.
slackadaisical:
listless and lazy beyond all belief.
souperficial:
a chef who does nothing more than dip his finger into a bowl of soup to check
its taste before allowing the waiter to serve it to a customer.
tenescope:
an optical instrument to enable sporting events to be seen from high up in the
back of the stand. First used at Flushing Meadows to look at Maria Sharapova.
volumptuous:
describes a woman with a full and rounded film-star figure with the lumps and
bumps in the right places.
Santaclaustrophobia:
morbid dread of being stuck in a chimney with Father Christmas.
hamlet:
an old Danish omelet. Its recipe was recently discovered in a small village
near Stratford upon Avon:
A large quantity of overdone ham.
2 eggs, or not 2 eggs.
Contemplate the mixture for several minutes before swallowing.
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Nearberisms
inspired by
Farberisms
Far route!
A maid isn't.
Global warning.
Not on your wife
Slippery as an oil.
The daze of our lies.
The dives of our lays.
Cast votes before swine.
Get out to lunch on a limb.
The youngless and the rest.
Seize the wood for the trees.
Every crowd has a silver lining.
Beware of gifts bearing Greeks.
There are two no ways about it.
Give me your name and undress.
The referee gave a spilt decision.
Bottoms up on a shakedown cruise.
Work your way down from the bottom.
To gee, or not to gee, that is the equestrian.
To knee, or not to knee, that is the genuflexion.
Eric the Red: You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him pink.
Your suggestion has fallen on dead ears.
A nose by any other name would smell.
After the bullrushes it's Holy Moses.
The penis mightier than the sword.
Not much credibility, lots of gap.
Strike while the iron's in the fire.
Sign the name on your bottom.
Pointing the finger to the bone.
To the whinger go the spoils.
Your wash is my command.
Bilge over troubled waters.
Charge your flat glasses.
Survival of the fattest.
Deep waters still run.
Assault of the Earth.
Strait as a narrow.
Physical fatness.
'L' for leather.
Jangle bells.